You're High Maintenance (It's a Good Thing)

I don’t mind being high maintenance -- after all, I’m the one maintaining it.

In 2016 I launched a group program called “Live Now: Stop Waiting for the Perfect Body to Live Your Life.” 

The course focused on maladaptive eating habits like restrictive eating and emotional eating, why we do it, and how to put an end to it so that a peaceful balance is restored. 

One of the first sections is about energy, titled “Take Your Power Back.” This section promotes protecting your energy through boundaries and nervous system regulation, as most of us were raised (especially those raised as women) to selflessly give all we have away to others and to take other peoples’ burdens and problems on.

Cut to this morning -- eight years later -- I’ve woken up at 5:15 a.m. on a Saturday (sans alarm) and I feel a compulsion to reach for my phone to open up Pinterest, or texts, or Auctionninja. 

Emotional Scrolling is the New Emotional Eating

For me, at least.

When I feel the urge to look at my phone before 8:00 a.m. I know I’m struggling. I see it as a signal that I need emotional attention.

I confess, I did open up my phone. 

In my defense, it was to put on a meditation (I’m not anti-tech, I’m pro-conscious consumption). 

Preparing for a work trip to North Carolina where I’d meet a new client in person who has been described to me as “nice but extremely intense and vulgar” (oh, joy) the meditation called “Learn to let go of other people’s emotions” caught my attention on my Insight Timer app.

After affirmations of permission to not take on other people’s energy, I hopped out of bed and carried on with my morning.

I found myself wondering, “am I really (or still) empathic?” It had been a long time since I felt overwhelmed by another person’s experience.

As it tends to do, SPIRIT quickly humbled me when, a few hours later, I encountered an extremely hungover human whose body odor and energy reeked of a painful hangover and repressed emotion.

Removing myself from the situation as quickly as possible, I found myself physically shaking. 

The smells and vibe had triggered my nervous system and my body was having a hard time determining whether I was in trouble or not.

Of course, I was safe. 

Incredibly, although being decidedly and joyfully sober for years, my psyche and nervous system were reacting as if I’d trashed my body with copious amounts of alcohol the night before.

I had to ground myself with deep breathing and sensory associations to calm the shaking.

What I was reminded in that moment:

The Body is an Amazing System

Our bodies are incredibly responsive and intuitive, often alerting us to emotional and environmental stressors before our conscious minds catch up. This incident reminded me of the profound connection between our physical and emotional states.

Gratitude for Sobriety

This experience reaffirmed my gratitude for choosing sobriety. The clarity and peace that come with not drinking allow me to navigate life’s challenges more effectively and with a clear mind.

Empathy and Boundaries

I am, in fact, still empathic and subject to being affected by others' energies. This is why it’s completely reasonable that I don’t tolerate people who drink a lot being a significant part of my life.

Maintaining high standards and clear boundaries isn’t about being difficult or unreasonable -- it’s about recognizing what you need to thrive and unapologetically prioritizing those needs. 

My high standards for friendship include:

1. No excessive drinking: I believe your presence is powerful and that’s how I want to experience you.

2. No demands on communication: I’ll text you back when I can, not when you want me to.

3. No victims: It’s ok to moan about your problems as long as you circle back to solution and next-right-action.

Yes, I have high standards -- after all, I’m the one standing in them.

When you commit to maintaining your well-being, you can better serve yourself and those around you.

What are your high standards?

What’s a standard that you want to implement starting today?

The Most Simple Way to Set a Standard

You might not like this.

The most simple (notice I didn’t say easiest) way to set a standard is to not react to someone’s bull shit – respond to it.

Yelling doesn’t help the situation. 

Three simple steps to set a standard:

1. Clarify what they did

2. Tell them how it made you feel

3. Teach them how to respect you

Calm, clear communication is how mature people teach respect.

“I am not comfortable being around you when you’re hungover. If you’re in this state then the best way to respect me is to please not come around me.”

You get to have a standard. Whether other people want to live up to them, well, that’s their choice.

As hard as it might be, wouldn’t you rather know that they don’t respect you before committing more time and energy to them?

Get to the truth before you get to cheerleading.

It’s savage…

But it’s going to save you a LOT of time and energy. This I promise you.

I hope you found this valuable.

Jenna Lou