Sobriety, Relapse, and Sex: What No One Is Talking About

We live in a delusion that we want to make progress without it being hard.

We become bound to ideas of what “should be.”

In my first few years of sobriety, I had a couple seasons of drinking again (before resolving, once more, that my life is simply better without alcohol).

Looking back on my drinking as I attempted to stay sober, one habit stands out clear as day: I would drink when good changes started happening.

When I got a raise and felt financially secure, I drank. When my intimate relationship became fully committed and loyal, I drank.

I found myself wondering why that was the case. 

So I did the research. 

Now, I understand my tendency to self-sabotage when things are going great (and how to stop doing that) as hitting my “Sobriety Success Ceiling.”

At the core, it’s about our basic human need for pleasure.

In THE LAB of life, this is represented by E:

T - Tired (for rest) 

H - Hungry (for food)

E - Excited (for pleasure)

L - Lonely (for connection)

A - Angry (for movement) 

B - Bored (for fulfillment)

I use pleasure as an all-encompassing word from simple pleasures like feeling the sun on your face to more intimate pleasures of sex.

I hesitate to bring up sex because I was taught it’s not something you talk about. We (family, sisters, friends) never talked about it.

But we’re all adults here and we all experience and relate to sex in some way.

When it comes to getting sober, people are often annoyed by how much “sex stuff” comes up.

What's that all about?

Sobriety and Sex

In sobriety, there’s an initiation in which you find your way back into your own body (a place many of us have tried to run from or manipulate most of our lives). 

This journey can be scary and can feel like a chore at times but is, ultimately, one of the most meaningful trips we will ever take in our life.

When we are in our bodies, the reward is the ability to feel it all -- including pleasure.

A common theme that I hear among the newly sober or sober-curious: “Back when I was drinking, sex was easy for me. Without booze, I’m a modest, chronic overthinker between the sheets.”

Thoughts that were drowned out by booze are suddenly front and center:

How does my body look?
How long is this going to take?
Did I remember to lock the car?
Do I smell? Is that good or bad?
Do I even feel like doing this right now? With this person?
Welcome to your initiation: When good things start to happen but, because you’re newly sober, they are (temporarily) harder than you remember them being.

You might find yourself thinking, “This isn’t worth it. Fuck it, let’s just drink.”

The delusion that progress is a straight line and that things “should be” easy without it first being hard binds us to our old habits. 

It’s time to change that.

Expectation vs Intention

Last week I shivered when the temperature dipped below 50 degrees for the first time this autumn. I wondered if I was going to make it through the winter, even though I voluntarily take a cold shower most days of the week. 

Similarly, people will complain over a little sweat in hot weather but can go into a sauna without issue.

The difference is expectation and intention.

One of my most challenging practices is one that sounds the easiest: sitting and doing nothing (i.e. meditation). It couldn’t sound simpler but in reality it’s often a real challenge to do.

When practicing mindfulness -- whether it’s through sober sex, meditation, or walking barefoot -- there will be one common thread to your initial experience: mental turmoil.

These initiation phases are not fun but are necessary.

Therapists, holistic doctors and spiritual teachers have proclaimed for decades that the most important thing anyone can do in any journey — but especially an alcohol-free journey — is to spend just a few minutes a day with yourself, in your own breath, and paying attention to yourself.

This week, as we focus on our basic need for pleasure, and our ability to enjoy and allow excitement around and for pleasure, your task is simple…



Your Task is Simple

For the next seven days, discover one simple pleasure that you will practice enjoying, uninterrupted, for 60 seconds a day.

Simple pleasures include:

• Feeling the sun on your skin

• Mindfully enjoying a cup of tea

• A hand or foot massage (hello, roomie!)

Just don’t expect it to be easy.

When faced with discomfort, many people’s automatic reaction is to flee, not fight.

One of our biggest barriers to experiencing pleasure is unrealistic expectations -- we want it to feel good immediately and without any mental resistance or disturbance. 

That’s just not how things work.

If practicing pleasure isn’t as pleasurable as you think it “should be,” don’t flee. Stay with it and it will become easier in time.

Reply to this email and let me know which pleasure you choose or if you discover something new. You may try something different each day just to see which you can enjoy the most.

I’ll be practicing and researching right alongside you.

Here’s to pleasure: one of life's most intimidating and wonderful science experiments.

Jenna Lou