Sober Story: How to Maintain Friendships with Your Old Drinking Buddies Now That You’re Sober

In this story, Jess shared the following tips on maintaining sobriety around friends who consume alcohol, how do you become friends with someone in recovery and maintaining a social life when you're quitting drinking.

This post was created for the sober and sober curious looking for relatable, inspiring sober-positive content. The following are Jess’s experiences, words and opinions. Enjoy :)

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Were there any specific fears that you thought of before you got sober or even throughout a sober journey that really hinder you from maintaining consistent sobriety?

I was a chronic people-pleaser and my primary socialization method was to go out drinking. It was all I knew.

When I became sober, a significant fear hindered my commitment to sobriety initially: that I would lose my relationships and be lonely.

This fear even led me to drink a couple of times after making the commitment to try being sober. It revolved around the concern that I wouldn’t be able to relate to my partner in important ways anymore. Additionally, I worried that I wouldn’t enjoy our group of friends as much and that I would lose something vital to how my partner and I related to ourselves.

Losing my social ability or the desire to hang out with this particular group of people seemed highly threatening to the most important relationship in my life. This fear prevented me from feeling confident in my choice and hindered my ability to sustain a commitment.

Tell me something about early sobriety that has surprised you?

For me, there’s a part of myself that I truly mourn: drunk Jess.

I always refer to sober Jess versus drunk Jess. I genuinely miss that fun and outgoing side of me that I used to have. There were nights when I would be the life of the party and have an incredible time.

Recently, I posted something on Instagram, and I was quite nervous about it. I didn’t want to demonize alcohol because there have been numerous occasions when I genuinely enjoyed myself. I do question whether I would have had as good a time without alcohol, and I’m openly exploring that perspective.

My fears revolve around whether I can ever be that fun again. As a people pleaser, my desire is to please and make people happy. I know that when I was drunk, I was good at fulfilling that role. However, I would always remind my friends, “Sure, I may be fun for you when I’m drunk, but it’s not fun for me the next day.” It’s also not enjoyable for them when they’re holding my hair back and my head is down; that’s not an appealing sight. I fear that people won’t want to hang out with me, thinking that I’m no longer fun. It’s challenging to deal with.

Currently, I feel confident in my choice and confident enough to share it on social media, which is truly amazing.

How did you find, and maintain, your confidence about your choice to not drink?

It has been a peculiar journey for me. As I mentioned before, my previous bouts of sobriety were not driven by confidence. However, this time around, when I do challenging things while sober, I experience a tremendous sense of fulfillment.

During a recent bank holiday, I found myself in a slump. I went out with my partner, and he was enjoying a couple of glasses of wine, a really nice one. I couldn’t help but think, “Oh my God, I would love to have that glass of wine,” while observing everyone else drinking. Interestingly, I wasn’t in a great mood myself. Alcohol has always been an instant mood changer, capable of transforming a bad mood into a good one.

This was the first time I was in a bad mood while being out and unable to drink it away. I had to sit with my emotions. After that slump, I realized that I hadn’t encountered many challenges before that moment. I had reached a plateau where all the positive aspects of sobriety had become my new normal. Waking up in the morning without feeling groggy or miserable, no longer crying before meeting with clients — these things had become my everyday life.

I had to pause and regain perspective. On the Monday of that bank holiday, I reminded myself why I was on this journey because I felt incredible. I could be present for my clients and engage fully. In the past, I would have dragged myself out of bed, feeling terrible, with worsened eczema and other little things that made me feel awful. Yes, alcohol took a lot away from us.

It’s one thing to give up drinking, but it’s an entirely different challenge to learn how to cope and take care of ourselves when life presents difficulties without that immediate mood changer.

I can relate to that feeling deeply. The moments when temptation is strongest are either when I’m in a good mood, witnessing others joyfully indulging in alcohol, and it seems like the perfect moment to join them, or as you mentioned, when I’m not in a good mood or when I’m slightly off track with my spiritual well-being and yearn for a small escape from reality.

I long for a switch that instantly relaxes me. In sobriety, I have had to learn how to relax and discover natural ways to achieve the emotions I truly desire — relaxation, feeling cared for, rested, joyful, or entertained. Nurturing ourselves is a precious gift and one of the highlights of being sober.