How to Control Your Actions (When You Can’t Control Your Thoughts)

A persons dissatisfaction with something is directly related to their inability to be honest with themselves.

I considered just sending that one sentence as the whole Letter today.

It's so, so confronting.

And oh, so good.

Today I'm going to share tools that I created to help me live my best life. They are derived from 15+ years of personal development that arose out of necessity (and sheer desperation) as I recovered from anorexia nervosa in my teens, toxic relationships in college, and alcohol use disorder in my 20s.

The more I live, the more evidence I gather that these tools can transform anything in life that you're dissatisfied with.

Today I'll  focus my Letter on a dissatisfaction with alcohol, but you really can substitute that substance for any other substance of choice (relationships, food, social media, shopping) that feels toxic to you.

Let's get started:

I meet a lot of professionals who reveal to me, “I don't drink every day or in the mornings. I don't black out... but my drinking isn't helping me build the future I want. I want different types or relationships and habits. So what’s going on here?”

What’s going on is...

• You have conditioned beliefs: you were taught (by TV, parents, etc) to believe that a glass of red wine is a healthy way to relax.

• Those beliefs become your daily thoughts: your first thought after work is “glass of wine” even though it’s not what you really need.

• Those thoughts turned into actions: you allowed the thought to become an action, which eventually became a habit pattern.

You’ve been brainwashed to think that chronic drinking is normal drinking - even though you intuitively know that it’s not what’s best for you.

So here you are – drinking and unsatisfied.

If you’re questioning your (and culture’s) relationship with alcohol – you’re not crazy, you’re paying attention. That’s a really good thing.

It can be frustrating, however, when you want to cut back or stop your drinking and find it harder than you thought it would be (because of all those damned conditioned beliefs and daily thoughts).

I have good news:

Although you can’t control your first thought, you can control your first action.

Cutting back or quitting drinking can be that simple.

Start Here (Your First Task)

1. Identify the basic emotional or physical state

I created THE LAB as a prompt you can use to assess your basic human needs:

     T - Tired (for rest)

     H - Hungry (for hunger)

     E - Excited (for pleasure)

     L - Lonely (for connection)

     A - Angry (for movement)

     B - Bored (for fulfillment

When these basic human needs are met, you will feel 1000x better. 

To get started on the path to feeling better, the next time you crave something that you know is maladaptive for you to partake in… ask yourself:

“Am I tired? Hungry? Excited? Lonely? Angry? Bored?”. Identify the basic physical state or emotion and take the revolutionary act of giving yourself what you really need.

2. Assess the situation

Ask yourself, “What can I control here?”

When you’re in THE LAB, alcohol is not part of your solution; because, when alcohol is in the body, it’s not a controllable substance. 

It doesn’t make the cut as a reliable variable and is not allowed in THE LAB.

What is controllable? Your actions. Let’s focus on those.

3. Give yourself what you need

Let’s assume you’re Tired (THE LAB) and let’s research the basic human need for rest.

Grab your lab coats, friends.

Being Tired Mirrors Chronic Drinking

If you’re a chronic drinker (7+ drinks per week), you’re already dealing with all of these complications due to the effects of alcohol:

1. Emotional instability

2. Impaired memory and learning

3. Reduced decision-making ability

4. Increased vulnerability to mental health disorders

In a world that praises work and productivity, I see sober curious professionals throwing themselves into work when attempting to cut-back on drinking.

While keeping busy can help you limit your drinking by temporarily distracting your mind, being tired has similar side effects to chronic drinking:

• Emotional Instability: People who are sleep-deprived often show amplified emotional responses and decreased emotional regulation, leading to heightened stress and anxiety levels.

• Impaired Memory and Learning: Tiredness affects the hippocampus, a brain region crucial for memory consolidation and learning, leading to reduced cognitive abilities.

• Reduced Decision-Making Abilities: Lack of sleep impairs the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for decision-making and impulse control, leading to poor judgments and risky behavior.

• Increased Vulnerability to Mental Health Disorders: Chronic fatigue is closely associated with an increased risk of developing mental health issues, including depression and anxiety disorders.

Even if you’re not drinking, being tired doesn’t feel good – a common trigger to picking up a drink.

This explains why non-drinkers who throw themselves into work wonder why they don’t feel as good as they thought they would after ditching the booze.

Not only is alcohol part of the problem – it is not the sole solution. Meaning: when you stop drinking you still lack a solution.

Keep it simple, smartie: when you’re tired, the solution is rest.

The Solution Is Simple

Instead of:

• Zoning out to Netflix

• Powering through work

• Pouring yourself a glass of wine

Try this:

• Go to bed early

• Practice Yoga Nidra

• Meditate for five minutes

You might be thinking a glass of wine would be so nice and relaxing right now, but you don’t have to act out that thought.

We’ve been conditioned to believe that a glass of wine is our best solution to stress when much better solutions exist.

And you, my friend, deserve the best.

Pay attention to when you think about having a drink and ask yourself:

1. Am I tired?

2. What can I control here?

3. What would it look like to give myself what I really need (rest)?

Enjoy your research.

And enjoy your rest.

Jenna Lou

Sources referenced:

1. Stickgold, R. (2005). Sleep-dependent memory consolidation. Nature, 437(7063), 1272-1278.

2. Walker, M. P., & van der Helm, E. (2009). Overnight therapy? The role of sleep in emotional brain processing. Psychological bulletin, 135(5), 731.

3. Durmer, J. S., & Dinges, D. F. (2005). Neurocognitive consequences of sleep deprivation. Seminars in neurology, 25(01), 117-129.

4. Baglioni, C., Battagliese, G., Feige, B., Spiegelhalder, K., Nissen, C., Voderholzer, U., ... & Riemann, D. (2011). Insomnia as a predictor of depression: a meta-analytic evaluation of longitudinal epidemiological studies. Journal of affective disorders, 135(1-3), 10-19