The Art of Letting Go: Supporting Without Controlling

“If you love someone, set them free.”

We’ve all heard it.

Maybe you need to hear this, too…

You can't tell other adults what to do.

You're not their parent and they’re not 5 years old.

This is a fundamental truth in relationships, whether they be romantic, familial, or a friendship: if you’re in a relationship with someone, you've signed on to love them. That means to accept and support them -- not control them.

They say love is about meeting people where they are, not where you want them to be.

This concept encourages us to accept others as they are, rather than trying to mold them into what we think they should be. It’s about appreciating their journey and recognizing that it’s uniquely their own.

It’s an idea that’s often easier said than practiced. It’s also essential for the growth and well-being of both parties involved.

Let’s plan to leave a little bit of room for other people to have their own journey.

This is a critical component of any supportive relationship.

Everyone is on their path, and while it might be tempting to direct them, it’s more beneficial to allow them to navigate their own way. This doesn’t mean abandoning them or being indifferent to their struggles; rather, it means offering support without imposing control.

How Embarrassingly Human

I was shocked (and not in a good way) when one of my best friends told me they’d met someone they really care about.

My emotional reaction wasn’t joy for them – embarrassingly, it was jealousy. I was afraid their new relationship would steal their time and attention away from myself.

“I know that my greatest truth is that I want you to be happy… but… this is so selfish of me right now… I’m feeling jealous,” I said to them as I cried, devastated by their good news.

It was not my finest friendship hour. But it was extremely human.

Two weeks of journaling, meditating, and long walks on the beach talking it out with the wind (don’t knock it until you try it) later, I had finally moved through my insecurity, which was the root of my jealousy. I arrived at a place where I could surrender my desire to control and instead support my friend with nothing less than joy.

Here’s the thing…

Our desire to control is about wanting our own safety -- not the other person’s.

We tell ourselves that we only want to protect them but, in reality, manipulation and control are nothing more than selfish, self-centered habits.

The loudest truth might just be this: humans hate uncertainty more than anything else – ever.

The overwhelming majority of us would do anything we could in order to be certain of an outcome, even if the outcome itself isn’t exactly ideal.

Why? Because we don’t trust that we can handle the difficult emotions that life throws at us. This is why we’re constantly anxious and, as a solution, obsessively plan ways to keep ourselves safe from emotional harm… oftentimes by trying to control or manipulate other people.

It’s the “If they're ok, I’m ok” mentality. And it kills relationships.

The only way to really, really be ok is to give yourself the certainty that you will support and take care of yourself no matter what happens.

But, of course, you’re not going to believe that’s possible for the people you love if you don’t believe it’s possible for yourself.

“I Don’t Know” Is My Most Spiritual State

Hear me out:

What if you don’t actually know what’s best for others?

What if, instead, they end up finding their own way better than you ever imagined?

Think about it for a second…

The moments when you’re given space to navigate your difficulties are usually the moments when you develop the most resilience and self-reliance.

These experiences build character and confidence, teaching us valuable life skills.

Support Without Control

With all that said, I know it’s hard not to step in and try to direct every move. But what if this next time, by stepping back, you allow other people to discover something about themselves they didn’t even know they needed?

Stepping back can be challenging, especially when you care deeply about someone. But it allows them to take ownership of their decisions and learn from their experiences.

Sure, their decision might lead to their world completely crumbling down – and it just might force them to rebuild it.

Resilience can only be built through challenge, and self-trust can only be built through life experience.

Protection doesn’t beget strength.

Your job is to keep loving them, keep supporting them, and keep trusting that they will figure out what works best for themselves.

As someone who loves and supports someone, your role is to be a steady presence in their life. Love them unconditionally, support their endeavors, and trust in their ability to navigate their journey.

Here’s a harsh, yet powerful truth:

Your wisdom is not the thing that creates certainty for their outcome – it’s your unwavering support that provides the certain foundation they need to take risks and explore their potential.

Sit with that for a second.

Ready for another one?

Even more cringe (yet still 100% true):

What you want has nothing to do with what’s best for another person.

Do you love the person, or not? Do you want to be in their life, or not?

Those are the only two things you need to be certain about.

When you offer your presence without trying to control someone, you create a safe space for them to grow and thrive. It’s in this supportive environment that people often find what they didn’t even know they needed. They discover their strengths, passions, and capabilities.

I can say from experience: witnessing someone go through this internal transformation is the single greatest gift you can give yourself (and them -- and your relationship).

It is my greatest honor and privilege to witness my friends blossom into who they really are.

Letting Go of the Need to Control

Control is an illusion. Here are four real-life examples of things you can do and say to show someone how much you support them without controlling them:

1. Respect Their Autonomy

Every individual deserves the right to make their own decisions and learn from their own experiences.

Respecting their autonomy means acknowledging their ability to navigate their life.

It’s about trusting their judgment and supporting their choices, even if they differ from what we would choose for them.

You can say, “It’s your choice to make. I respect your decision. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you on this path.”

2. Encourage Independence

Encouraging independence is a key part of supporting someone. It’s about helping them develop the skills and confidence they need to stand on their own.

This doesn’t mean leaving them to fend for themselves; rather, it’s about offering guidance and support while allowing them to take the lead.

It sounds like this, “Hey, you’re going to be ok. You can trust yourself. Be brave and see what’s possible when you stand on your own two feet. You might surprise yourself with how strong you are.”

3. Embrace the Uncertainty

Life is full of uncertainties, and this can be daunting. However, embracing uncertainty is an essential part of personal growth. By letting go of the need for control, we open ourselves and those we support to a world of possibilities. It’s about finding comfort in the unknown and trusting in the journey.

This can be practiced through:

• Meditating as an act of surrender

• Praying to something bigger than yourself

• Being discerning with your pen and tongue

• Finding peace and serenity in defencelessness

Each of these above pay homage to the fact that you do not know everything and are not in charge of (or responsible for) anyone but yourself.

4. Support Them Unconditionally

Unconditional support is a powerful thing. It means being there for someone without judgment, regardless of the outcome. It’s about offering love and encouragement through both successes and failures. This type of support fosters a sense of security and belonging, which is crucial for personal development.

You can say, “If you need help, I’ll always be here. Call me anytime. You can even call me crying.”

If You Love Someone…

In the end, the most profound act of love you can offer is to trust in the strength and resilience of those you care about. 

By stepping back and allowing them to navigate their journey, you give them the space to grow, learn, and discover their true potential. 

Your role is to provide a steady presence, offering unconditional support and encouragement. In doing so, you not only honor their autonomy but also strengthen the bond of trust and love that underpins all meaningful relationships. 

So, let go of the need to control, embrace the uncertainty, and witness the incredible growth that comes from truly supporting those you love.

I hope this helps.

Jenna