In a world fixated on romantic love, I've discovered a different truth: my friends are my lovers.
I treat them with the same reverence and commitment I would a romantic partner. For example, we embark on adventures, share resources, and make decisions together.
This approach means I never fear lonliness.
Societal norms often prioritize romantic partnerships as the pinnacle of relationship success but, in my 30s, I've learned the greatest fulfillment comes from nurturing friendships.
Today I’m sharing how I’ve made rock-solid friendships with people I’ve met online. Join me as I explore sincere bonds online, proving that true companionship knows no bounds.
Are You Relationship Limited or Limitless?
Amidst the sea of digital noise lies a profound opportunity to forge deep and lasting bonds that transcend physical boundaries.
Let me share a story that might resonate with you:
Two years ago, while struggling to maintain motivation for my sobriety, I found myself turning to the internet for inspiration.
Longing for authentic connections in a landscape dominated by fleeting interactions of likes and comments, despite the vast array of online platforms at our disposal, true camaraderie remained elusive.
Have you ever found yourself scrolling through endless feeds, with connection right there in your hands but you feel more disconnected than ever?
In this age of virtual communication, the pursuit of genuine friendships can feel like a daunting quest.
As I dove deeper into the realm of virtual friendships, I uncovered both the challenges and the invaluable rewards that come with cultivating meaningful connections in the digital age.
Nurturing virtual relationships comes with its challenges:
Misunderstandings abound (Are they busy or annoyed with me?)
Screens mediate our interactions, making genuine connection feel made-up
Distance between pixels can feel insurmountable when you want a hug or high-five
Still, virtual relationships offer a unique platform for authentic self-expression and vulnerability.
Freed from the constraints of physical proximity, we have the freedom to connect with kindred spirits from all corners of the globe.
HOPE is Hundreds Of Possibilities Existing.
In the digital realm, solace is found in shared experiences and mutual interests, forging bonds that bridge the gaps between continents, cultures, and social classes.
Here’s exactly how I did it…
How I Made a Virtual Best Friend (Who I’ve Never Met)
I started a podcast about something I was really passionate about and interested in learning more around – normalizing not drinking.
I called it Sober Reference and recorded over 50 episodes of tips, tricks and stories from people who didn’t drink. Click here to listen to them.
I asked sober people online to be on my podcast with no motivation other than to learn and share their stories, expanding their reach and impact.
I made it all about them. I didn’t (and still don’t) sell anything. All I ever wanted to gain from the experience was the experience itself and the connection I received from it.
The podcast was a tool that gave the people I admired (and wanted to meet) something valuable: an audience.
If I really connected with someone when we recorded a podcast episode, I asked if they wanted to keep connecting on a consistent basis.
From there, some relationships flourished and others died – and one in particular has made an incredibly profound impact on my life. I consider this person a best friend and I expect that they will be in my life for a very long time.
Assessing how and why our virtual relationship works so well, I discovered three foundational virtual friendship principles.
Let’s dive into them.
Three Friendship Fundamentals for Long Lasting Relationships
Tired of feeling disconnected in your virtual relationships? Let's change that.
Embrace coordination over control
Make space for accessibility and fairness
Demand empowerment and accountability
Start your journey towards deeper connections today.
Coordination over Control:
My friend and I have coordinated meetings once a week, at the same time and in the same (virtual) place, for the last two years.
The consistent and rhythmic cadence of conversation makes it so that we don’t have to stress about what we talk about when we meet because we know there will always be a next time.
Sometimes we end early. Sometimes we have to skip it entirely.
It doesn’t matter and we’re never offended.
The point is, there is no stress because we work together in coordination.
Rather than seeking to micromanage interactions, we embrace the spirit of coordination, allowing conversations to unfold organically and collaboratively.
"How are you?”
"What do you need today"
"What are your recent 'wins'?"
"What's on your mind right now?"
"What's happened since we last spoke"
Accessibility and Fairness:
One of the most beautiful things about our relationship -- which surprised us both -- is that we’ve told each other things we’ve never told anyone else.
Incredibly, trust and respect were established very early on because we let each other speak freely and honestly, without interruption, about vulnerable things.
We have never once judged the other. We simply let each other breathe and be.
Sleeping in the same bed as someone does not make you close to them.
Living in the same house as someone does not make you close to them.
The only thing that makes you feel close to someone is when you:
Feel you can be open and honest without judgment, and
Feel seen, heard, and understood
Especially within your most vulnerable times.
If you can do that, everything else is going to work. If you can’t do that, you can’t just “make it work” because you’re “meant to be together.”
Foster an environment of accessibility and fairness, where all voices are heard and valued.
Empowerment and Accountability:
Making friends who don’t drink and making virtual friends is similar is this way – true friends amplify your strengths, not your weaknesses.
They stand as living proof that iron sharpens iron.
Sift out your enablers -- the ones who celebrate your failures under the guise of fun.
Real friends push you to go one more round, lift you up when you’re down, and celebrate your victories.
You should be able to answer this for every relationship you have - what makes your relationship with this person valuable to you?
It’s important for two reasons:
You deserve a relationships that gives to you as much as you give
It enables you to use your clarity of value to empower and affirm your people
Use your clarity of value to empower and affirm your people
For both people to be invested in a long-lasting journey towards deeper connection, accountability and shared responsibility is essential.
I’m currently going through a major life change and I clearly asked my virtual best friend, “Are you capable of being a consistent part of my life right now? I want to understand if you have the capacity to be there for me in this way or if there’s something else I should expect from you.”
They responded, “As you were for me last year, I will be your rock through this.”
Do you know why your relationship is valuable to you?
Value in a relationship can look like:
Just as you should take ownership of what value you bring to the table, your partner should take ownership of their contributions to the relationship.
Losing people who can’t celebrate your growth is not your loss, it’s a necessary shredding.
Life is too precious to be lived in a haze - surround yourself with people who make you feel unstoppable and who genuinely want the best for you.
On a recent call with my virtual best friend, I admitted that I was feeling self-conscious. There was a little voice in my head, the Bitch in my Brain, telling me I didn’t deserve the changes I was making or to want more than I already had.
“I’ve never wanted to reach through the screen and punch you in the face – until now”, they said, “Everything you said is so untrue I just want to shake it out of you. You’re my friend and I am not going to let you believe those things.”
That is one hell of a valuable friend.
THIS is Way More Valuable than Proximity
Feeling stuck in shallow interactions online? You’re lacking in one of three friendship fundamentals:
Embrace coordination over control
Make space for accessibility and fairness
Demand empowerment and accountability
Transform your virtual friendships by implementing these principles.
As you embark on a journey of virtual connection, remember that the true essence of friendship transcends physical proximity.
In the vast expanse of the digital landscape, forge bonds that illuminate the path towards deeper understanding, empathy, and companionship.
I hope this helps.
Jenna