In the introduction of the book Please, Sorry, Thanks by Patterson, he says, “Words create worlds.”
The modern world functions within the consistent presence of:
Masks
Misinformation
Miscommunication
Like getting a confrontational text that ends with a smiling emoji.
You’re left super confused, wondering, “Wait, are you upset or are you happy?”
My intention with this newsletter is to show that we can communicate with and relate to one another more effectively than the typical relationships in the world around us.
While you do not reflect the ways of communicating that you see all around you, the call to action is that you rise above it. Be a leader of clear, honest communication.
I’ll give you tools for you to use today, during your next date night, or at your next book club.
Stand Out Easily with THIS One Character Trait
I’m convinced that integrity is the most underrated character trait of the 21st century.
I show integrity through:
What I think
What I say
What I do
These are all aligned.
If you’re good with integrity, you:
Are comfortable making decisions -- big and small.
Don’t confuse other people. Instead, they find you reliable and trustworthy.
Are known as a person who says what they mean, does what they say they will do.
It turns out that integrity -- like sobriety or emotional intelligence -- is hard to come by in this world.
Want to be respected by everyone? Practice integrity.
Want people to trust you? Practice integrity.
I only learned what integrity was in my late 20s and it radically changed my life.
Good character ethics -- rather than generational wealth or an impressive resume -- elevate you into the top one percent.
When hiring new employees, I note someone's experience and expertise, then spend the entire interview learning about their intangible assets, aka their character ethics.
[Putting on my business hat now] Here’s an Interview tip:
No longer is the standard “How would you describe a successful employee?” end-of-interview question impressive. What’s more impressive is if you ask me a question (personal or professional) that shows me you listened deeply throughout the interview. Show me your excellent communication skills, starting with listening.
Additionally, tell me that you’d be grateful for my email address for a chance to follow up with me after the interview. Then follow up with me (within 24 hours) after the interview. Show me your integrity.
The display of your intangible assets, or character traits, is what will make you stand out from the crowd.]
For those who have trouble with follow-through (the story of my 20s), let’s dive deeper into integrity and how it manifests itself in your decision making.
More Than You THINK: Head, Heart, Gut
Your literal brain, your literal heart, and your literal stomach have clusters of neurons. You have around a hundred billion neurons in your brain, about 40,000 neurons in your heart, and a million in your stomach. It’s a network of intelligence that helps us make decisions.
Brain = logic, rational
Heart = passion, feelings
Gut = sense, knowing
For example:
Brain = it’s logical that you drink less, for the benefit of your mental and physical health (and your wallet)
Heart = you’re sad that you should drink less, you’re afraid of how it will affect your relationships
Gut = deep down, you know that drinking less (or not at all) will be a catalyst for your best life
Eight times out of 10 you know (brain) and know (gut) what you need to do - you just don’t feel like doing it.
The best decisions are not made but are arrived at -- the peaceful trifecta of your head, heart, and gut aligning.
So how do you get there?
Emotional resistance means being held back by past experiences, fear of change, or a reluctance to confront uncomfortable feelings.
Emotional intelligence means being able to correctly identify your feelings and work yourself into a place where your feelings are aligned with your rationale. This way, your emotions become a tool (not a barrier) to decision making.
Do you feel depressed and tell yourself you're hopeless?
Do you feel powerless and tell yourself you're helpless?
You can do better than that.
You deserve better than that.
This is not the moment where I tell you to “manifest” your happiness, the way you might cut out a picture of your dream car and stick it on your wall. Looking at the word “happiness” on a piece of paper will not make you happy.
There’s an episode in The Office where Michael Scott verbally declares “bankruptcy,” naively thinking his announcement will afford him the benefits of a legal declaration of bankruptcy.
It doesn't work that way.
Each step you need to take is relatively simple -- the path is just longer than one easy step.
You have to work your way through things.
You’ve heard the term “toxic positivity,” which is when people say “I’m fine” when they're not. It’s focusing only on the positive -- or even inventing the positive -- and ignoring the difficult truths.
In a world that masks feelings and communicates in emojis (I forget, does the crying emoji mean “I’m so sad I can’t stop crying” or “that’s so funny I’m crying?”), learn to speak the truth and work through your feelings.
Do the work to arrive at an aligned head, heart and gut… and then think, speak, and live that truth.
Here’s how...
The Head/Heart Paradox
Mastering the art of emotional processing is essential for maintaining integrity and clear communication.
Here's a simple 4-step guide to help you process your emotions effectively:
1. Awareness
“The degree in which a person can grow is directly proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without running away.” - Leland Val Van De Wall
Sit with this.
In a world that teaches us to sweep our problems under a rug and wear a smile when we feel shitty, it’s no wonder so many grown-ass adults don’t have emotional awareness.
To transform, it is critical to pause and reflect on how you're feeling.
Are you experiencing joy, sadness, anger, fear, or a combination of emotions?
Do you know the difference between anger and resentment, or between boredom and peace?
The work of impressing other people with your integrity starts with how well you privately acknowledge and accept your emotions without judgment.
2. Identification
Once you're aware of your emotions, identify the underlying causes or triggers.
What was happening when you started to feel this way?
Who was involved?
What thoughts started popping up in your mind about who you are, or what might happen, based on the situation that was unfolding around you?
What freedoms (time, money, relationships, career) did these thoughts threaten?
Understanding the root cause of your emotions can provide clarity and insight into your inner world.
This is critical – it’s imperative that you focus on what you can control, i.e. “What habit patterns did this trigger in me?” and “What thing that is important to me felt threatened?” Don’t stop at the easy answer of “that person was an asshole.”
3. Expression
After identifying your emotions and their causes, find healthy ways to express them.
“The degree in which a person can grow, is directly proportional to the amount of truth they can accept about themselves without running away.” - Leland Val Van De Wall
What it looks like to “run away” from your truth:
Work to exhaustion
Drink, eat, consume tv and social media
Consulting with close-minded people
In a world that prioritizes short-term pleasure over long-term improvement, sitting with your truth in the present moment is the most radical (and impressive) thing you can do.
This could involve talking to a trusted and open-minded friend or family member, journaling your thoughts and feelings, or engaging in creative outlets like art or music.
Expressing your emotions allows you to release pent-up energy and gain perspective on your experiences.
4. Integration
All the talk-therapy and journaling in the world will only get you halfway – you have to take action and integrate your emotions into your decision-making process.
Knowing what to do, but just not doing it = lack of integrity.
Knowing what to do and working your way through the emotional resistance so that you take action and follow-through = life-changing integrity.
Remember that integrity involves aligning your thoughts (brain), feelings (heart), and actions (gut) with your inner truth.
Get your lab coat, it’s time to experiment with new actions.
Words Create Worlds
THIS is how you use words to create a world you love and can thrive in:
Ask for -- and receive -- help
Speak your truth and state your needs
Train your mind to coach your heart through uncomfortable situations
Words create worlds.
“I need help.”
“That is not ok with me. I won’t be available to continue to show up for you if your actions don’t change.”
“I give myself permission to feel uncomfortable and do this imperfectly.”
Emotional intelligence is being able to correctly identify your feelings and work through them so that they become a tool (not a barrier) to decision making.
Integrity is saying what you mean and doing what you say, despite how you feel.
In a world of masks and flakes, integrity is the impressive skill of follow-through.
I hope this letter motivates you to do the internal work required to show up in the external world with integrity.
Fear, anxiety, and anger don’t have to run your life and cause you to break your promises.
You can have more control over your emotions than you’ve been giving yourself credit for.
You deserve to know how amazing it feels to live with integrity in your head, heart, and gut – and how easy making choices can be when you do.
What choice are you trying to make?
What’s top of your mind, but heavy on your heart?
Sit with that truth and, if you want, share it.
Practice with me.
I hope this helps.
Jenna