It's Not Your Fault: Emotional Errors

Jun 18

"Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is" - Albert Camus

Hi friend,

Humans deny or distort their true nature to conform to societal norms or expectations.

I don’t blame us - life is hard so we look for ways to make it easier.

But what we think are “shortcuts” sometimes lead to bumpy side-roads with no cell reception.

Living life without an emotional roadmap is like trying to drive across America without a map or GPS. Good luck. You’re not likely to get where you want to go. You’ll feel lost and end up settling where you’re at or relying on other people to give you directions.

Similarly with human emotions, if we have no internal understanding or compass, we revert to leading our lives aimlessly while waiting for others to give us ideas about how to live.

More things.

More money.

More attention.

These are transparent dangling carrots placed just far enough in front of us to give the illusion of a compass.

It’s how we end up in a job or friend group or habits that leaves us in tears of desperation, praying “how did I get here? Did I actually choose this? I don’t think I would have chosen this…but I must have.”

Uncharted emotions lead to suffering.

Lack of emotional awareness is the cause of so much of the misunderstanding, miscommunication, and stress in our daily lives.

We deny who we are because we are sad, angry, confused, discouraged and betrayed. And that doesn’t feel good.

How do we get out of the rat race that is uncharted emotional suffering?

Let’s explore.

Emotional Intelligence Limitations

If you want to feel better (and have more control of your actions as a result) you have to break through these five common emotional intelligence limitations:

1. Lack of Emotional Education

We have a Kindergarten level of emotional awareness.

Life is complex and diverse, and so are our emotions, but traditional education often focuses on basic emotions: happiness, sadness, anger, and fear.

With limited knowledge, have have limited options.

This shows up in the ways we respond to conflict. We:

   1. Slam doors

   2. Say things we don’t mean

   3. Eat more than we want to

   4. Isolate more than we should

The only way to do better, is to know better — that’s what you’re here for.

I’ve studied the most difficult emotions and learned how to use them as a tool to take clear, logical action toward my ideal life. I use the term difficult because that’s how you know then now, you know then as distracting and uncomfortable, but I want to be clear: they are not bad emotions.

Here are examples of the emotions that we label as “bad” but are really just difficult (and are absolutely catalysts for positive change if we use them correctly):

How we feel when we lose our purpose

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Boredom
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Disappointment
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Regret
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Discouraged
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Resigned
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Defeated
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How we feel when we try to do it all

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Frustrated
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Stress
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Overwhelm
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Worried
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Jealousy
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Envy
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Resentment
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How we feel when give our power away

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Humiliation
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Betrayal
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Hurt
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Anger
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Compassion Fatigue
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Each of these emotions are good and purposeful. If you are willing to study them, you will feel good and purposeful, too.

2. Societal Stigma

Certain emotions are deemed "negative" or "unacceptable" by society, leading individuals to suppress or deny experiencing them.

My primary caretaker used to say to me, “Don’t come to me if you’re not in a good mood.”

I was also told to behave myself when having an “unacceptable” emotion. I was (and I’m guessing you were, too) conditioned to believe that some emotions are “bad” when, in fact, all emotions are equal — and that’s not just some kumbaya bullshit.

Here’s the thing, it’s not just that we’ve been taught emotions are “bad”, it’s that we’ve been taught that we can’t handle them. This is a lie.

Despite what you’ve been told, you can be an extremely emotional human and lead a very productive, successful life.

3. Fast-Paced Lifestyle

Busy lives with constant distractions leave little time for introspection. It often feels like the emotions themselves are one of the most distracting aspects of life!

People experience multiple emotions in a short span, making it challenging to pinpoint and understand each one accurately, let alone:

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Meal plan
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Pay their bills
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Do their full time job
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Care for their loved ones
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Squeeze in some fun and relaxation
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Learn how to manage your own thoughts and actions to minimize emotional distraction — without shaming your emotions or feeling like you have to shut a part of yourself off — in order to survive in your wildly busy life of high-responsibility.

Speaking of shutting a part of yourself off…

4. Emotional Bypassing


Raise your hand if you've ever distracted yourself or used a coping mechanisms like overeating, excessive screen time, drinking and shopping.

We should all have our hands raised.

We all have habits we want to stop doing (or do less of).

I didn’t stumble upon emotional intelligence training while riding a pink cloud from Pleasureville to Merrytown. I came in on the gift of desperation because I didn’t want to drink so much anymore and I didn’t know how to properly respond to my emotions…

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I clung to men for attention
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My employers were so unjust
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My mother triggered the hell out of me
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I drank to deal with life because I didn’t know a better way to cope with it.
Now that I don't drink, I've spent nearly a decade of personal development and research to build the tools and skills that give me 100% confidence that I can do and handle anything that life throws my way.

I don't want to pretend that life is easy or always comfortable. I can’t do the “Instagram” life of filters and highlight reels. And I don’t think you want that either…

5. Temptations of Social Media:

If we don’t pay attention, it can look like everything is ok on social media. People look like they have all their shit together when they really don’t.

This creates a false perception and expectation that we can be, or should be, emotionless or only experience positive emotions. It’s absolutely dehumanizing and toxic and it makes us feel like shit about our lives.

Further, it tempts us to taking actions that result in quick highs but don’t generate lasting fulfillment:

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Add the filter
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Drink the Kool-Aid
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Lease the car you can’t afford
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Us sensitive people — filters don’t work on us. We know the truth (or we’re learning the truth, anyway) that humans have many humany-human emotions all day, every day.

Filters and pretending — it doesn’t work. We need another way.

If you’re reading this you have the first essential ingredient for positive change - awareness.

Next up, knowledge. Decode and clarify the 6 Key Emotions You've Been Misidentifying All Your Life right now.

That’s next.

Until then, use this letter as a wakeup call to:

Pay attention to the actions you take that feel “out of your control”

Notice when you judge or criticize yourself for feeling a certain way

Awareness is the first step in any transformation.

I hope this helps.

Jenna Lou

Jenna Hillier