How Not Drinking Changes Your Marriage and Relationships

What happens to relationships when you become sober? How does drinking affect married life? Can a relationship work if one person is sober?

In this story, Zoe tells us how being sober changed her marriage and her relationships with her family. This post was created for the sober and sober curious looking for relatable, inspiring sober-positive content. The following are Zoe’s experiences, words and opinions.

By the age of 22, I’d met my husband and we were balls-to-the-wall drinkers: imagine us in a bar shooting Jack Daniels and playing pool. I thought I was a badass living my best life - until my "best life" started to scare me.

Deep down I was afraid that I was on the path that I saw my parents on. I’d wonder, “Are these blackouts normal?” and rationalized those thoughts with, “Well, everyone else is doing it,” and “I had a baby young, so if I want if I get a babysitter and let loose then I’m allowed to!” I was always responsible around my kids, and I’d always make sure they were being taken care of when I went drinking, so I fooled myself into thinking that my behavior was OK. I always self-destructed on my own, so I thought I wasn’t hurting anyone.

Everything accelerated when the pandemic started because my husband and I were drinking more and more, even during the day now because work had been canceled. I got to the point that I was peeing in
bed sometimes after drinking, which I rationalized with, “I’ve had
kids, so I have a small bladder — it’s fine!”

My strongest anti-quit thoughts were, “I don’t drink when I wake up, or when I first get out of bed, or black out every time I drink” and “My relationship with my husband revolves around drinking. What if I’m boring sober and he doesn’t like me anymore?”. Those were the thoughts that kept me sick for longer than necessary.

In my experience, when you’re sick, the things around you start to
get sick too. Sure enough the marriage I was trying to protect with my
drinking started to feel rocky. We were having communication issues and didn’t know how to address our frustrations. And when we were drunk it would all come out, vile and spiteful got stuck in a constant loop
of poor communication.  

At this point, I am 25, a wife, mom of two, and I couldn’t ignore my problem. My husband and I decided to stop drinking certain types of alcohol, thinking: “We'll just drink White Claws! That’ll fix it!” 

Unfortunately, that didn’t fix it. The fights with my husband got more and more serious and I could tell that my kids weren't happy. I asked my 10-yearold, “Was there ever a time when you felt unsafe?” 

He said, “No, but you did argue one night, and it was pretty bad. That, I remember. I could tell that something was off.”

That broke my heart because my parent's fighting was a regular occurrence in my childhood. I was becoming my parents - the thing I was afraid of. There was no denying it. The final straw came after another fight with my husband.

He was so angry with me that he drank the whole next day. I was so angry with him that I drank right along with him. I woke up the next day and I downloaded the “I am sober” app. I was done. I was so rundown, and I knew if I continued to drink then I would keep finding these personal emotional rock bottoms. 

I knew I didn’t want to put myself through the wringer anymore because drinking wasn’t even as fun as it used to be. My husband decided to just take a break from drinking that day and I made the decision to stop completely. 

I recognized it as my chance to end the fear I was living in and break the chains of becoming my parents. I love my parents. Today I understand that they fight with their own demons. I actually have a great relationship with them now —my dad got sober a few months after I did and we both have over a year without drinking. He has become my favorite person to try non-alcoholic drinks with.