Perfectionism: Curse or Superpower?

High-potential perfectionists are my people because I am them.

These can be a really beautiful set of cards to be holding, though they come with a few sharp edges if handled incorrectly.

“Perfectionists” can act in a variety of ways, but typically they notice the gap between reality and an ideal standard and feel personally responsible for closing that gap.

Society has long encouraged us to be perfect, but those who experience perfectionism are often frustrated that they never feel good enough because there always seems to be a better version to strive for.

I used to think that perfectionism was a curse, but now I see it as a superpower:

Notice the gap: the ability to see what others can’t see about the current reality and what a positive change in the future could look like.

Personally responsible: acknowledge their personal power to react to this vision in an adaptive, helpful, or maladaptive, unhelpful, way.

Closing the gap: having the courage to take the adaptive action.

Whether your perfectionism feels like a curse or a superpower comes down to your personal responsibility – will you use your perfectionism traits adaptively or maladaptively?

Adaptive perfectionism seeks to inspire and believes in:

1. Ideal visions as motivation 

2. Rest as a necessary ingredient for success

3. Appreciating the unique abilities of a perfectionist

4. Celebrating each action involved in the journey toward your ideal vision

5. Using failure as a textbook for learning where they can grow and improve

Maladaptive perfectionism seeks to punish and believes that:

1. Resting is counterproductive

2. Failure is a reflection of personal value and ability

3. Obsessing over the outcome keeps them motivated

4. Only mountaintop achievements are worth celebrating

5. Their worth is tied to their ability to achieve the ideal vision

I used to be a maladaptive perfectionist in life.

I thought, “If I can’t be the best, what’s the point?”

I was so afraid to fail that I wouldn’t try and it led me to feeling a mountain of boredom from lack of fulfillment.

Boredom in Sobriety

Boredom is a common phenomenon in sobriety.

We go to bed at a decent hour, our job becomes easier as our cognitive function improves, and drama melts away; we experience peace and become closer and closer to our perfectionistic ideals.

We wonder, “Is life really better this way? It feels… kind of dull.”

In THE LAB of life, Boredom is used to explore our human need for fulfillment.

T - Tired (for rest)

H - Hungry (for food)

E - Excited (for pleasure)

L - Lonely (for connection)

A - Angry (for movement)

B - Bored (for fulfillment)

When you’re sober and bored for an extended period of time, one of two things usually happens:

1. You drink

2. You expand

The first point ends up making your life smaller and your potential limited, while the second makes your life bigger and your potential unlimited.

When Was the Last Time You Let Yourself Dream?

For maladaptive perfectionists, dreaming is a challenge. A dream represents an ideal that is very hard to achieve, that you will have to measure yourselves against, and represents your potential for failure.

For adaptive perfectionists, a dream is an invitation. It represents an ability to transform over time, to experience many things in one life, and to explore what the human experience is capable of.

When was the last time you let yourself dream?

For the last five years, I’ve created calm, quiet space for myself to dream and write goals for the next six months.

At the beginning of each goal-setting session, I revisit my previous goals and see if my current actions are aligned with what I felt in my heart was most important six months ago. It’s been an extremely powerful practice and has helped me achieve fulfillment.

Fulfillment is not about reaching your goals – it’s about taking action towards them.

The little kid in you doesn’t care if you become a famous chef, they just care that you’re in the kitchen with a spoon in your hand and your nose in the cookbook.

It’s simple.

Your Solution is Simple

Fulfillment is about making your inner child feel seen, understood, and taken care of.

As adults we get bored because we’ve forgotten that there’s a curious, playful child within us that has a million and one things they want to do just for the sake of doing it.

I’m going to ask you to do something you might not have done before: write down one big dream and take one action (no matter how small) toward that dream.

I’ll go first with a few examples:

I dream of owning a 10+ acre piece of land with a mountain view. There are plenty of guest beds – it’s a place where my family and friends gather, rest, and play. It has a room dedicated to musical jam sessions and a massive community table to support dinners that last for hours.

The maladaptive perfectionist in me feels overwhelmed by this dream. It makes my inner child want to hide under the covers -- she is not inspired by fear of failure.

To make the switch from maladaptive to adaptive, I choose to "parent" my inner child with the adaptive perfectionist approach which inspires the following actions:

1. Carve out time to write songs and sing on the weekends

2. Save a chunk of money into my “dream house” savings account each month

3. Create a Pinterest board full of visual representations of my dream

These actions make my inner child gleeful. Plus, these small actions make a BIG difference in the long run when it comes to making my dreams come true.

How?

By sharing with my friends that I like to write songs, I’ve met friends who play the guitar and drums. These are people who might one day sit in my music room and jam with me.

By saving money today I will be able to afford that dream house in the foreseeable future.

By honing my vision, I have a better understanding of what I like and what I don’t like. I am readying myself for the day I get to furnish my dream home.

By pursuing my dream, it is already happening.

I’m already doing it. I am already the woman who becomes the land and home owner.

I believe that fully.

That’s not boring -- that’s incredibly fulfilling.

I’m enjoying the journey without even having my “mountain top” success yet.

You can too.

What’s your dream?

Jenna Lou