Why It Feels Impossible to Stop Drinking Forever (and Why You Don’t Have To)

The link between drinking and happiness can be confusing. We often equate belonging with social drinking. However, conforming to societal norms doesn't guarantee true satisfaction.

Despite feeling terrified that people might reject us for not being able to drink “normally”, drinking less (or not at all) is shown to lead to deeper and more meaningful connections.

My personal journey proves it.

I was terrified to stop drinking so, even though I knew deep in my gut that I shouldn’t drink anymore, I continued to suggest going to trivia night (i.e. drinking) and bringing a bottle of wine over when someone invited me for dinner.

Putting down the booze represented many things, including the choice to stop celebrating relationships that could be threatened by change. I chose to change, see who's still around, then celebrate my relationships.

Stop letting the fear of losing people prohibit you from doing what you know is right for you.

To find true belonging, we must first be authentic and embrace our imperfect selves. Sobriety offers clarity and helps us present our genuine selves to the world.

If you’re confused about your drinking habits and are scared about how not drinking will affect your relationships, I have one thing to say: you’ve got to get to the truth before you get to cheerleading. 

Stop Trading Self-Trust For Belonging (That’s a Shitty Tradeoff)

The pain people are willing to tolerate in order to belong is astounding. 

Belonging is understandably desirable. But when you choose belonging over yourself (like drinking because others do, not because you want to) you destroy your self-trust.

That’s a shitty tradeoff.

You know you’re on rock bottom when you:

• Haven't asked for help

• Are sick and tired of hurting

• Noone but you knows the truth

At this point, your biggest failure is not the drinking - it’s the dishonesty. 

When you choose to stay on the ground, go it alone, and “fake it”, you have only yourself to blame. Which ruins your self-worth.

The reason it feels impossible to stop drinking is because you’ve convinced yourself that people won’t love you if you tell the truth or (god forbid) change.

You have to trade your pride for courage. 

Courage is not determined by those who fought and never fell, it’s determined by those who fought, fell and rose again.

Tell the truth. Rise again. Ask for accountability and support. Hire a coach or therapist.

Decide that changing for yourself is more important than staying the same for other people. Self-trust isn’t built by being perfect, it’s built by continuing to love yourself and have your own back (which oftentimes means asking for help) even when you mess up or risk displeasing others. 

There is a step-by-step process to building self-trust and the kind of “I have my own back and will not abandon myself no-matter-what” that is required for success. 

How to Build Self-Trust (And Stop Caring What Others Think)

1. Reality: Get Clear About How Alcohol Affects You

Ask tough questions.

• How does drinking affect your dating and relationships?

• How does your body feel after drinking? Ex: foggy, sluggish.

• How does alcohol support or hinder your biggest dream?

Document your thoughts and memories like a researcher, examining the evidence.

Gain clarity on alcohol's influence on your life. If needed, make changes. Seek truth before cheerleading.

It's your choice, regardless of others' feelings.

2. Reduction: Stop Drinking (For a While)

The fastest way to assess if something harms your life is to try eliminating it (even temporarily).

Make change enjoyable with a brain hack - gamify the process.

When I stopped drinking, I created a game. The main character in the game was socially awkward (it’s me, HI!) and had to attend an open-bar corporate event. The mission: earn points (what helps me avoid drinking?) and dodge steals (drinking).

At the party, I felt anxious about making small-talk so I googled "questions to ask people you see once a year." I ended up asking people about the best book they read that year. It was a total hit - 50+ points.

During a long cocktail hour, I called a sober friend. Killing time and feeling connected to someone who understood what I was going through – 50+ points.

Ordering a soda with lime – 50+ points.

You can do this too! Make a game of sober accomplishments. Show yourself you can handle social events and friendships without drinking. You've got this!

3. Research: Keep Researching (Even If You Drink)

The real secret to building self-trust is to do something you’ve never done before and prove to yourself that you keep showing up for yourself no matter what.

Even if you drink.

Even if you drink, you still keep researching and maintain honesty with yourself and (trusted, supportive) others.

It’s not talked about enough: a lot of people have a hard time staying sober. Most people who choose to practice sobriety will drink again at some point. Does that make them a failure? 

No - it makes them human.

Success is not about being perfect, it’s about being committed. Failure only happens when you quit (ie. choose a closed-mindset and stop researching).

If you drink, ask yourself:

1. Was there something going on in your life that affected you emotionally?

2. How did you feel during the day before you drank?

3. Did drinking help or hurt how you were feeling – immediately and next-day?

You might be tempted to think you’re doing it wrong, or that you’re totally failing this self-trust thing. But the truth is that a lot of people drink as they are trying to get sober or are sober-curious. It’s the truth and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Self-trust starts out as, “I will not abandon my curiosity, my desire to know myself better. I am willing to be honest with myself and learn my truth. No matter what it is.”

So, even if you drink, you still keep researching yourself. 

4. Responsibility: Take Care of Yourself (No Ones Coming to Save You)

Your friends and family may or may not support that you want to stop drinking. Do it, anyway. Do it for yourself.

It’s one of life’s hardest realizations, that no mother or best friend or partner is ever going to fill the role of savior because only one person can - you.

One of the best ways to take care of yourself is to prepare yourself.

1. What do I say if people ask why I’m not drinking?

2. How do I say no to invites I don’t feel comfortable attending?

3. What am I going to order when I go out to dinner?

Plan ahead and set yourself up for success. Think it through. Have your own back.

This does not mean you have to do it all alone. Asking for help is an extremely esteemable act. It's not your partner's job to get help for you and it's not your sisters task to find you a coach until you ask them to. The responsibility to ask - that's on you.

You, too, can have the confidence and certainty that true belonging and self-trust affords. Have the courage to move past your pride, take action and prove to yourself that you’re a resilient and powerful person.

I see it. I believe it. I’m here for it.

- Jenna